Halloween Horrorfest 2018: THE MUMMY (2017)

You really hate me, don’t you?

There are so many problems with this film...but the fundamental problem with The Mummy is that it’s a superhero movie with a sheet over its head in an attempt to make us believe it’s a horror movie.

Now don’t get me wrong--there is a history of making mummy movies that aren’t really horror movies.  1999‘s The Mummy is really an adventure film in the Indiana Jones tradition bolstered by the charm of Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz.  But this movie doesn’t even try to hide its intentions; the only purpose of The Mummy is to give us the origin story of Tom Cruise’s character--let’s call him Bandage Man--and set up story threads for the ‘Dark Universe.’  Nothing else matters.  There’s no characterization, no sense of the world existing beyond this story, no atmosphere, nothing.  It’s a bunch of promises of future thrillers filled out with bits and pieces culled from other movies designed to give you a vague memory of enjoyment through a thorough Husker-duing.

More importantly, it’s a film that doesn’t trust you to pay attention.  We are given roughly fifteen minutes of solid exposition right up front, and before that exposition about Sofia Boutella’s character--let’s call her Hottie HoTep--is over, we’re getting flashbacks to things we just saw.  Instead of assuming we’re smart enough to make the connections in the plot, director Alex Kutrzman (of the unholy duo of Kurtzman and Orci) accompanies Every Reference To Hottie HoTep And Her Plans with a flashback to that first fifteen minutes.  It becomes tiresome long before the film hits the halfway mark...

...and stumbles into another Big Bout of Exposition, only this one is far worse.  This is the Exposition Dump that sets up the Prodigium, the SHIELD stand-in for the ‘Dark Universe,’ The film pretty much stops and luxuriates in its World Building Porn as Russell Crowe’s Dr. Jeckyll fills Bandage Man on this 'world of gods and monsters’ (fuck you for quoting a classic line from a classic film for this crap, Kurtzman).  There’s a pointless parade of Easter Eggs, an even more pointless fight between Crowe and Cruise, some pep talk from Annabelle Wallis’ useless cardboard stand-in for Maria Hill--let’s call her Blondie McBlandhammer--before we get to the next action set piece and the story starts up again.  You could excise this whole sequence with some minor rewriting and get back twenty minutes or so of our lives.

This movie commits the worst sin any movie can commit--it’s boring.  And that’s because you see the moving parts and not the story.  All throughout the film, I was reminded of other films this one is cribbing from and thinking to myself, ‘I’d rather watch that film.’  And considering one of those films it cribs from is Lifeforce, which I think is the epitome of Rock Stupid, that’s saying a lot.

I have affection for a number of bad movies because at least they try on some level.  I know people look at me askance for defending Jason Goes To Hell or the films of Phillipe Mora, but there’s a lunatic energy and creativity on display that can be appreciated.  Even derivative crap like Zombie Hunter has some misguided attempts at style.  The Mummy has none of these redeeming qualities.  It’s the Meh-est of Meh.

I would only recommend this to my worst enemies.  Or the worst enemies of my worst enemies.

You can still head over to my Twitter Page to vote on tomorrow’s Halloween Horrorfest Movie of the Day.  It’ll be the last Poll before the Back From The Dead Grand Finale to determine what I watch on Halloween Night.  Stick with me.  You owe me for making me watch this.