It’s going to sound like I liked it a lot, but it is ineptly done and badly acted (for the most part) and, as a David DeCoteau* film, has several sequences that are....meandering and pointless.
But compared to the last four films? I can’t deny I had fun with it.
A group of travelers get lost in a fog bank and end up at the house from A Talking Cat? run by Nana (Cynthia Fucking Rothrock!) and Pops (Chris Fucking Mitchum!). As the holiday resort this sextet was heading for was overbooked, they are invited to stay at the ‘old’ couple’s home. During the course of a weekend, the six people--four Business People Who Love Business, the son of two of them and the sister of one of the others--learn that a) Pop and Nana are actually Santa and Mrs. Claus, b) there are valuable lessons to be learned about loving and trusting each other, and c) the rules of croquet.
No, seriously. Roughly fifteen minutes of this film is composed of the cast (which, in addition to Rothrock and Mitchum, includes Gary Daniels and Jessica Morris, who should really just give Cybill Shepherd her act back) playing croquet. Nothing else, just a bunch of guys knocking balls through hoops.
This is really amateurish stuff, and it doesn’t help that for the most part the cast is as expressive and nuanced as that side of meat that Rocky practiced on back in the 70's. However, the few members who do show expression and nuance do their damndest to have fun with the role--especially Rothrock. I swear, every time Rothrock speaks, it’s like the film brightens for a few seconds. She, and Mitchum, have the right idea...namely, lean into it and just enjoy yourself.
That’s not to say this film is without the creepiness of my previous labors. In this case, it’s primarily provided by the...questionable decor of the house. There’s one statue in particular that has a positively Lovecraftian horror where it’s genitalia should be and red stilleto heels that icked me something fierce every time a character passed by it...and it made it even scarier when you realized that it was positioned in such a way that everybody eating in the dining room could see it. These weird pieces placed about the room amidst some cheap-ass props (the photoshopped pictures of the Clauses on vacation and Santa's ‘letter file’ which is composed of a plastic household organizer you can find at Dollar Tree for twenty bucks decorated with wrapping paper and bows) gave it an uncomfortable mis-en-scene throughout.
The fact of the matter is that, as bad as it was, there’s some...warmth...that’s missing from the Christmas Recruitment Propaganda I’ve been watching these past few days. I found myself laughing several times--sometimes, admittedly, at the film--and didn’t feel the sort of annoyance I felt watching A Shoe Addict’s Christmas or Christmas Connection. Okay, I will admit that at one point I wished ninjas would break into the house so Mrs. Claus could kick all the asses, but that was more of a ‘you know what’d make this film perfect’ sort of wish.
(By the way...I will once again state that I am shocked that y’all didn’t know how awesome Cynthia Rothrock is until recently. I remember seeing her in Righting Wrongs back in the early 90‘s on a Hong Kong bootleg and just falling in love with her skill, personality and kick-assedness. Seeing her and Michelle Yeoh back during my deep exploration of Hong Kong films may be the reason I actually prefer female-led action movies!)
I think this is the first time since starting the labors I was enjoying myself...and that has to count for something. I’m not going to recommend it, but I won’t have nightmares about it.
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Tomorrow I return to the darkness with one of the first things Hallmark Christmas Consultant Alonso Duralde named. You wanna know how dark this Sixth Labor is? Kathie Lee Gifford is in. Even the title makes it sound unappetizing. Are you ready for A Godwink Christmas?
*-Mary Crawford my rosy red rear end!
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