THE FIRST LABOR OF HALLMARK: Christmas at Graceland (2018)

*deep breath*....make a promise, keep a promise.

You know, when I got together with my Hallmark consultants William Bibbiani and Alonso Duralde, the two of them had differing opinions on what constituted the worst of the Hallmark Christmas movies...but they both agreed that the worst actress in Hallmark history was one Kellie Pickler.

Considering she acts like a deer in
the headlights, this is appropriate.

I remember seeing Pickler on a season of American Idol (I used to watch the auditions for entertainment value, then bow out once they moved to Hollywood), and she seemed like a decent, charismatic young lady.  I wondered why these two men I respected disliked her so much.

And then I saw this film.  It seems Kellie Pickler only has one real acting style: be Southern and open your eyes wide whenever you want to emphasize something.  I just could not buy her character as she regurgitated loads of expository dialogue that seems more like Cliff Notes than actual lines of speech.  Her emotions seem creepily forced, as if she is being held at gunpoint in an effort to keep her cheerfulness up.  She has no real purchase in her story, as this is one of these movies where the star is there to be acted upon as opposed to acting....

...but then, I don't think people watch this for things such as story and characterization.  My overall impression--aside from the fact that Wes Brown's Clay had orchestrated all this so he could gaslight Pickler's Laurel into moving back to Memphis--was that this serves the same purpose as porn.  Laurel's journey, weak as it is, is secondary to us watching the characters make Christmas Krispies or Pine Cone Elves or Christmas Plates.  Those sequences are shot in this lush, glamorous way that makes whatever else is going on Inconsequential.  This, I think, is why people watch this, which is why the script is so lacking in nuance and wit.  The actual details of the story is inconsequential....what's important is the Beauty Shot of Pickler, her daughter and her friends making Snow Angels.

The other thing I noticed is that, for a Christmas RomCom...I think this counts as a RomCom...it's shockingly without romance.  Pickler and Brown don't kiss until the very end, and their interaction up until then is restricted to some chaste hand holding.

This was brutal...made all the more brutal when I realize there's two sequels to this poo, both directed by the actor who directed this one, Eric Close.  There's no there there unless you like to see other people luxuriate in Christmas Porn.  I wanted to tap out after a couple of minutes, and couldn't go five minutes without rolling my eyes and trying not to think that I have eleven more trips into this specifically fetishized world.  I just hope I will be able to be eloquent through this ordeal.

If you enjoy my journey through Hallmark Hell, please consider becoming a Domicile of Dread Patreon and receive lots of free goodies throughout the year including exclusive essays, movie commentaries and podcasts.  If you'd rather not make a monthly commitment, please consider making a one shot donation through Ko-Fi. Please also visit William's great podcast network Critically Acclaimed, and buy Alonso's definitive book on Christmas movies, Have Yourself A Movie Little Christmas

Tomorrow's Labor features one of the Queens of Hallmark, Lacey Chabert, as a Business Woman Who's All About Business (I never understood what that means until I watched this movie, William) who travels to her hometown for a charity event only to reunite with her high school rival....who happens to be hunky.  Oh, and she's named Darcy to make a Jane Austen reference pertinent.  It's Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe, wittily swarming your way tomorrow!