When Special Hallmark Christmas Consultant William Bibbiani told me there was a Hallmark film directed by Mariah Carey--whose biggest (and, to the best of my recollection, only) cinematic offering was the manic, treacly Glitter--I had to make it a Labor.
And, to be fair, this is nowhere near as bad as the atrocities I’ve seen committed by Candace Cameron Bure and those ‘godwink’ people. Oh, it’s bad...and a portion of it is thanks to Ms. Carey, who insists on playing the ‘bad guy’ as well as directing and apparently prepared for the role by bingwatching every prime time soap Aaron Spelling ever produced. But maybe it’s because I am over halfway through this terrible trek through the Hallmark Holidays, but there’s a certain charm to its awfulness that makes me want to pat Carey on her head and say, “At least you tried,” before giving her a participation medal.
Kristen (Lacey Chabert) moves from Los Angeles to her hometown of Silver Falls, Ohio after the failure of her fashion boutique. While she and her daughter Emily (Fina Strazza) adjusts to small town living, both become involved with the local Christmas Pageant. While Kristen endeavors to make the pageant costumes, Emily collaborates with local music teacher and Designated Hunky Hunk O’ Destiny Danny (Brendan Elliot, who is channeling Jason Bateman something fierce) to compose an all-new Christmas song that she hopes will serve as a magical letter to Santa...who may or may not be hanging around Emily’s new school as a janitor (Kevin Chamberlin).
There are some of the Kabuki-like elements that seem to infect all of the Hallmark Movies I’ve encountered--we do have an inconsequential ‘complication’ that hits exactly at the one hour mark, and that chaste kiss that seems to signal the movie is over--but I was surprised at the things that didn’t appear. I suspect the presence of Carey assured that we would have a more diverse cast, and a lot of the trappings are non-existent. No snowball fights, no hot chocolate, and no Christmas crafts permeate this little ditty.
However....
I could not help but notice that this is the second film in this gauntlet which treats the heroine being offered the career of her dreams as a complication. I’ve suspected for a while that Hallmark Christmas Movies, much like the sitcoms of Chuck Lorre, are designed to assure small town America that they’re superior to Us Big City Folk. It’s one of the reasons I think the only big city that is shown in a positive light amongst these films is Chicago, which happens to be part of what was once referred to as ‘Flyover Country.’ The message in both this film and Christmas Connection, whether intentional or not, is ‘Your ambition and dreams are secondary in worth to the love of a good man and a deep, abiding love of Christmas.’ Not Christmas in the religious sense, although we’ve seen a couple of these films dancing close to Evangelical values and beliefs, but Christmas as a holiday in and of itself.
Maybe because I’m now deep in my Labors, but A Christmas Melody doesn’t bother me all that much. I’d put it closer to Santa’s Summer House (bad, but entertainingly so) than Christmas Connection (actively, if inadvertently, frightening). I get why Lacey Chabret is one of the Queens of Hallmark--she’s attractive, even a little sexy, without being threateningly so, and her acting style is just quirky enough to seem endearing to people who don’t want any depth. It didn’t hurt me, and on a lowered-expectations-scale of Hallmark Christmas Films, this wasn’t too bad.
Now if only Hallmark had continued this experiment of letting former Pop Idols direct their films, I’d be enthusiastic. I want to see what, let’s say, a Christina Aguilera or a Avril Lavinge Christmas Movie was like.
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So next time, I think I’m going to reach back fifteen years to one Alonso told me was infamous in its awfulness, Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus, which features both Steve Guttenberg and Crystal Bernard. The ghosts of the 80‘s are alive and...well, they’re alive at least.
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