THE THIRD LABOR OF HALLMARK: A Shoe Addict's Christmas (2018)

I think I have found my nemesis, and her name is Candance Cameron Bure.

Quentin Tarantino's favorite Christmas movie

Bure is another of the Queens of Hallmark--she was apparently the hostess of the night this film was premiered on--and throughout this repellent thing, I was wondering why she annoyed me so much.  And I realized that, much like Lacey Charbet's appropriation of Anna Kendrick, Bure is stealing her act whole from equal parts Anna Farris and Mindy Kaling....only without either woman's energy, physicality, nuance or personality.  You never get an impression that Bure is anything other than an actress who's Trying Too Hard to be Upbeat and Perky and Clever.  It is as if there's Dennis Hopper from Speed just offscreen with a gun pointed to Happy the Dog's* head, ready to shoot the poor animal if that forced, rictusy smile lags.

Bure plays Noelle Carpenter--do you have to be that on the nose, Hallmark?  Why not call her 'Merry Yulelog' or something?--who gave up her photography career three years ago when her boyfriend dumped her.  She's now working as a HR Associate (?) at Fulton's Department Store in The Big City (I think it's supposed to be Chicago, but you would not know it) and is organizing this year's Christmas Gala for the local firehouse. She also likes shoes.  A lot.  While doing a favor for her boss, Noelle gets locked in the department store during a blizzard--and comes across Charlie (Jean Smart), a woman who, we find out very early, is an angel.

What follows is a weird, garbled Frankenstein's Monster pieced together from someone's third-hand recollection of what A Christmas Carol and It's A Wonderful Life was about.  Charlie takes Noelle into the past and alternative futures--only with shoes instead of ghosts--all with the purpose of bringing her together with Jake (Luke MacFarlane), the Hunky Hunk O' Destiny who works in the firehouse that is benefiting from the gala.  There's 'comedic' bantering, that third act complication that seems to bubble up because we need some form of complication, some gaslighting of our heroine, a prefunctionary Person of Color who is Noelle's best friend and a climax that has Noelle in a red dress round out the proceedings.

Now that I'm three days in, I'm struck with the Kabukiesque ritual of the Hallmark Christmas movie.  While this one, like Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe, doesn't indulge in heavy handed Christmas porn (although there is an emphasis on Christmas Cookies that freaked me out), I am beginning to see the essential elements that make up the Hallmark Formulae.  These elements, like the Snowball Fight Outside The House, seem to slot into the plots at exactly the same moments as if our (assumed) 'Aaaahs' are codified responses to the movie's calls.  When you get something that codified, you're relying on the charisma and chemistry between our characters and while I may admit I felt Noelle and Luke deserved each other, it had more to do with wanting to punch the both of them in the face than with romance.

Sadly, I cannot provide a photo of Bure in a shapeless grey sweater that ties around the waist that may be the most distracting thing in the film.  If the costume designer was given the instruction to make Bure look absolutely unpleasant, then he or she did their job.

Even though Christmas at Graceland is more badly made, this is a worst movie experience.  The forced nature of the plot and the insect-buzzing annoyance of our heroine wore on me within a matter of minutes.  There is no saving grace here, just someone yelling right into our face 'Christmas!  It's awesome!  It brings love!'

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Tomorrow's labor is the first thing my Christmas Advisory Council named when I asked for The Worst Hallmark Christmas Movie.  Join flight attendant Brooke Burns, Tom Everett 'I Used To Be Someone' Scott and a precocious eight-year old in a film William told me he expected to climax like The Wicker Man, Christmas Connection!

*--I'm not sure, but I think Happy The Dog is the Hallmark Holiday Mascot.